You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
How animals would run if they were human
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Sounds like a bargain
Bobby pin
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu