Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”