Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

me to God

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.