Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Found the job I’m suited for

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.