Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no