Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Every haunted house movie:

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off