You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head