You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
So that’s what we looked like?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
💀🤣
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
lol
