Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

Who knew!

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.