You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem