You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”