You know I’m something of a chef myself
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours