You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this