You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
i want to work in this restaurant
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
had to share :’)
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
