Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Does this dress make me look cat?

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!