You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.