You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Good morning.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo