You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”