Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done