You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
my favorite genre of twitter
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No