You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Real House Wines.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
sigh
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.