You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on