You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*