You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
You Might Also Like
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
excuse me
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
THE DOG😭😭💀
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.