You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Why you watching this shit?”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Optional boss fight.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny