You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
philosophical skeletons be like
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.