You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Ron is short for Aaronald
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.