Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
You Might Also Like
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat