Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not