You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.