Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

San Francisco has too many rules