You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
is nasa ok
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water