You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow