You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?