You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
technically true but not a great slogan
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay