You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup