You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
LOOOOOOL
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds