you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?