You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Lmbo
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.