You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war