Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Okay, I’m still confused…

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta