Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.