Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.