You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Look, the hug is over when I pat you on the back. I’m tapping out, b****.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.