Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

ㅤ

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there