You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
You Might Also Like
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else