You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Did…did a minotaur write this
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
we all know this pain all too well
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.