You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something