Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

How long do you have to wait between naps?

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Mmmm canned fish.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

That took me a moment.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

how DARE

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”