You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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This will teach them to underestimate me
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
The Friday File.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.