Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.