Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

A woman drives into a bar.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Florida man

Just me and my debit card against the world

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days