You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
All right then, keep your secrets
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.