You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”