Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”