You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.