You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
You Might Also Like
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I’ll be mad as hell!
