“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
m’lady
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
🤣✨#caturday
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is