“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time