Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

I bet

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”