Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?