You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.