Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

bout dat hot dog summer

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

She puts the hot in psychotic

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to