You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”