Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding