You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.