You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you