Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together