Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Going to church you guys need anything

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.