Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

incredible google review i just found

S/o to @funTweeters .

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Found the job I’m suited for

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*