You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
