You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Most Common Source of Electricity
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”