You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
This 4th of July, please remember…
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.