You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

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[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on


Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.


My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.


Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”


It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”


I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!


“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor


[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther


Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage